Valentine's Day

I didn't think Riley would understand Valentine's Day, until I heard him say, "Happy Tines-Wednesday" (Happy Valentine's Day) while looking at a heart shaped toy. On the actual day, I asked him to say it to his Grandpa, and he did! He walked over and said it, without missing a beat. It was such a cool moment.

Bullets, not paragraphs:

• Last week, Riley and I attended a public hearing about WI Senate Bill 3, which in simple terms, is a insurance mandate for autism related services. This of course won't cover biomedical, but it will mean Riley can get intensive therapy much sooner than the two years the waiting list currently has us wait. We're not on it yet, by the way. We should meet with someone soon to finish the paperwork. Ugh, it's annoying.

• Yesterday, Riley reached a milestone with his OT. They have been working step by step with using scissors since the beginning of the school year. Yesterday, Riley cut paper without a spring in the scissors. And even better? He cut along a straight line. Unassisted! He's been crazy with the scissors ever since (which I am keeping out of reach now....) Today he made a little art project with me by cutting paper and gluing it on another piece. He then traced the outside of the shapes. BIG gains in fine motor. This is huge stuff.

• I've been struggling lately with fighting the autism vs. accepting Riley. How do people ever find a balance between those two things?? It's so hard to see Riley through all of the symptoms sometimes. I know he's there somewhere, but it's hard to know what's what. I find that the days when I don't think "He has autism." all day long are better than those that I treat him like a "typical" kid. So, there's balance to be found in that.
  

• I've also been doing a lot of processing lately. I think it has to do with our second son being the age he is. He's 20 months, and he's doing a lot of things Riley never did. I mean, it's an endless list of things. There are so many things that I look back on now and think, "Yep, that was a symptom" I am sure many people do this, but I think that it's hard to grasp all of it right away. I'm sure this will take years to sink in.

• Sleep has been a big challenge since around Christmas. He is now sleeping in bed with us, because I got so fed up with the screaming and running into our room (and waking our 20 mo old) at night. He's done better with that arrangement. I think I am the only one in the family who's not getting sleep now. But oh well. We tried melatonin, which didn't work for him. I think the issue was more or less your average three year old stuff. But I also think he's been having trouble visually. He wakes up and gets scared of "shadows" and other things.
  

• We're considering a local vision therapist, who applies the same principles as Dr Kaplan does. We'll see. It's not that expensive, but I need to do more reading. I have only read *maybe* 30 pages of his book so far.
  

• We've been working hard on "I" and "my" and posing questions. I am really happy with what our babysitter and private therapy have done for him lately. He's doing really well. I also feel that the B complex has been worth while.
  

Formal Diagnosis

In my mailbox today from Dr W. About 8 pages long.

Autism.

It seems that from several of the test results he falls into the "moderate" and "high moderate" range.

It's so weird. I've been saying it out loud for 9 months now, and for some reason, this report is still hitting hard. I suppose because it reports all of the things that he does abnormally. Also, I suppose because it was written in a way to help us get funding for therapy.

Edit to add:
Now that I've had a few hours, I’m giving myself a break here. It’s okay that these feelings happened. I think, though, whenever these things “take the wind out of my sails” so to speak, it makes me grieve a bit, move through it, and keep fighting. Riley has come so far in the last 6 months. I have no doubt in my mind that he will do well in life. I have no doubt we can beat this. His body has shown an amazing ability to heal. He’s so little, and can’t say we’re not doing enough. We’re living and breathing it, and believing it. This evaluation was much needed, and written in a way that will get him on the waiting list for the waiver and ease our financial burden.
Sheesh, what an emotional rollercoaster.

A trip to the library

I took my kids for a visit to a library in the suburbs (read: a fancy schmancy one with train tables and a fish tank) The last time we went there was over the summer and it was a nightmare. I specifically remember Riley stimming off of the drinking fountain.

Today was GREAT! He played, he explored. There was another little boy that came not long before we left. They were playing at the train table near each other. The little boy started making a noise for the train, and Riley smiled and imitated the noise. He also tolerated a few other children in his space, even when one of them was crying. He said "Hi kid." to several children. He even tolerated going into a public bathroom while I changed Jack's poopy diaper. This was also a first, as usually public bathrooms are sensory overload. Overall, it was a positive experience.

Anytime I take the kids somewhere there's other kid-parent dynamics, it blows me away. It's really interesting to observe neurotypical families- from out outside looking in. Their lives are completely different from ours. I think when I witness that and I let it sink in, it comes with peace. This is why things have been so challenging. It is not my fault. It is not my parenting skills. It just is.