It's been just two weeks shy of a year. I can't believe it. Well, I can actually. This last year has been a doozy. We haven't really had a computer that functioned well enough to write a blog post (truthfully I don't know how long this one will hold up as I type this out. Riley turned seven last month. He also started first grade.

School this year has been wonderful so far. I can't believe all of the change that came with kindergarten. Socially he did so well. The kids like him, he is learning from the constantly. It even became a challenge at times because he was comparing himself to other kids so much, he started getting frustrated with himself and realizing he had to try just that much harder than the typical kids in his class.

I didn't really "click" with his teacher last year. She was a good teacher, don't get me wrong. I sort of got spoiled with his early childhood teacher, who was fantastic. She really "got" him, and she and I had some great conversations that really helped Riley in the long run. This year, I had a little anxiety about school as summer drew to a close. I didn't know ANY of the first grade teachers, or what to expect. Thankfully, a few weeks before school started I got a call from his teacher. She called me on her cell phone and asked to set up a time to meet before school started. She told me during our initial phone conversation that she hadn't yet read his IEP, because she wanted to get to know more about him first. I was feeling really good about her by this point. Then, I sat down at met with her. We talked for a good while and ended up talking about life in general, about grief, about many things. By the end of it I wanted to hug her (and did) So, this first month of school has been mostly uneventful. She and I kept close contact those first weeks.

Riley is still in regular ed, no aide, and is doing work independently. He has had some anxiety about going to the bathroom at school (we weren't aware that last year another child had bothered him in the bathroom) but his teacher has been in communication with me and has been handling it so well. He is also still a little upset by fire drills, and of course they had one totally unannounced a week or two ago. His class was in gym and his teacher went to make sure he was okay. She went HERSELF. Didn't expect an aide to handle it, and no one told her to. She just thought to herself that he may need some support. In all other ways, he goes to school as a typical child does. All of the routines, sees his friends on the playground in the morning, goes through the routine, does grade level work. It's pretty amazing some days that he's come this far. I try to look at all of that when I start to think of some of the behaviors that are still present.

He knows he has to work harder. And he does. And his teacher and I have had discussions about pushing him so that he gains confidence, yet supporting him so that he doesn't detest a subject. It will be a delicate balance as he goes through school. Reading is slow going for him. He's still testing lower than he should be. We had a friend (who happens to teach reading recovery at his elementary school) come to do some one on one tutoring with him this summer. Again, for the confidence. It was a bummer when we found out he wouldn't qualify for reading help to that intensity at school. But, there is a silver lining in that he's not so behind that he needed it? I don't know. It's similar to my feelings about him losing the medicaid waiver and his intensive therapy. It was great that he was doing so well, but DAMN he could have used that resource. It's hard to be caught dead in the middle so much.


He has started to ask a lot of questions about where his autism came from. On my husband's birthday last month, he brought it up and got really upset with me and asked why I gave him a shot (that gave him autism) We have had a lot of conversations about it, and we never tell him one thing "caused" it or that anything is wrong with him, or he has a limitation. He is developing this awareness on his own.

He's also having great conversations. I love that he's telling me so much of what he's thinking and feeling now. I've seen his relationships with other people blossom so much. I love seeing him with his brothers, especially. Though they fight a lot, the interactions are so typical! It's awesome. His interactions with me have recently taken a turn that he's understanding what love means. Tonight he said he loved me and wanted to relax and watch a movie with me. When I got caught up in other things, he came to get me and said he really wanted me to sit with him. He also loves doing his "homework" book in the evenings, mostly I think because he likes it when I'm taking the time to sit with him.

 Challenges.... briefly. Because there aren't many. )And these are things WE find challenging, Riley does not)

Sleep. Sleep is still hard. He is starting to sleep through the night more often (we probably get two nights a week of sleeping through) and he's getting up really early without realizing that the rest of the house doesn't want to be awake. I don't think he understands that yet. My husband tends to get up with him, and he doesn't communicate as well with Riley as I do, I think. But there's no way I'm getting up at 5:30 AM to reason with him.

Supervision. Riley still doesn't have great judgement at moments. He will damage things in our home, he'll try to take apart things to see how they work. He doesn't always think of consequences. One thing I'm very grateful for is that he's not a wanderer, and he's not a runner. He is grounded, he wants to be with his family, and he knows that he needs parents to take care of him. Maturity. Though this is starting to emerge. I think of what the average seven year old could understand and the responsibility they could take on and he's just not there yet. The good part is that he's younger brother is just 20 months younger, and has really served as a peer model in this regard.

 Grief. I still go through so much of it. His birthday was hard on me. It's funny that I titled this blog "Healing Journey" because I came to realize that this blog is MY healing journey, not Riley's. He is getting older and it's really sinking in that he will have his own thoughts and feelings about all of this one day. My feelings aren't wrong, they just are. I still get sad. I still get angry. I still have "what if" moments. I do feel like those moments are starting to space further out. But when they do happen, they still hurt as if he were diagnosed yesterday. He is such an amazing kid. All of my kids are, actually. This experience has taught us so much. My five year old talks about what it means for him to be younger than Riley, but in some ways, taking care of him like a big brother would. It's a hard thing for an adult to understand, but a kid? I can't imagine. The other two have adjusted remarkably well to all of this. Oh, and his brother Oliver is just about to turn three with NO SIGNS of autism or any other issues. In fact, I believe that he and Jack are both going to fall more toward the "gifted" range, which is a whole new world of challenges for us. But, one step at a time. If Riley has taught me anything, it's to not overthink the future. Just be in today.

 I feel like when I try to blog these days it ends up being a long ramble. I don't have much organization to these posts because I don't know what to say to sum things up. Things change so quickly around here. This kid is definitely proving to us that he can push himself.