Sometimes I have to read back on this blog (or elsewhere) to help jog my memory of the last three years. It's all such a blur.

What do I remember about three years ago that isn't yet on this blog?

I was riding in the car with a friend of mine, on the way home from a small get together at a friend's house. I remember vaguely her talking about taking Riley to the neuropsych we saw for the initial diagnosis (May 2008) I don't remember if the word autism was used at that point. I remember this was also the friend who had told me to watch the videos made by “Silent Mia” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc and realizing that my son did those same hand motions. At the time I didn't know what hand flapping was.

I'm fairly certain this friend knew something more was up with Riley and was gently trying to tell me. I'm so grateful she was gentle, and even more grateful she told me.

I can honestly say that after working in special ed for 2 years, after being a nanny for a boy with autism, having a mother who has worked in special ed for 18 years... I don't think I had a clue what autism was then.

I knew my child was different, that's for sure. Almost four years ago, my mom was the first person to bring up the sensory issue as being a, well... issue. After asking some friends online what I should do, I made the appointment with Birth to Three in August of 2007. The first visit was in October. I remember thinking I must be looking for a label, fishing for a diagnosis. There's no way anything was “wrong” with my kid. In fact I remember a response on the messageboard I posted on left me feeling that way. But when I went online and did the sensory inventories, he definitely had differences. Still, when they did the evaluation and said there would be no question he'd qualify, my heart sank a bit. This was a system I didn't want to go into.

Looking back, autism hit full on right around that time. That's when I remember playdates being hell. Chasing him around. He was fixated on ceiling fans and light switches. He didn't know how to play with toys. He was exhausting. I was exhausted, too, because I had a very young baby (my middle son, Jack, who is now turning 4 in June)

I think that's when flapping started, too. He used to do this dance that was very similar to “FlashDance.”

That is the time that makes me saddest. The time from when that started until we started treating his autism. It was a very hard time for me as a mom. Stressful, but also full of self blame. I was certain that I was doing something wrong to make him act this way.

I had no idea that he was behind with social communication. It was also a few months into OT with Birth to Three before I noticed that he wasn't really playing with his toys, and they started some suggestions with play. It wasn't too long before we had an early childhood teacher added to the team. I think this was prior to diagnosis.

Once Jack hit the age that Riley was around diagnosis, it became very clear what we'd missed out on with Riley. Now we have a third son, who is neurotypical thus far at nearly 17 months. We are definitely already seeing him do things Riley never did. (Example, he “feeds” a baby, he likes to play with Little People, he sings songs, etc)

Where am I going with this?

My beautiful baby boy was lost in there for a while. Now that we are getting further away from it, I see how bad it really was. I am glad we intervened when we did. Although I am upset at the latest things that have gone on with therapy funding, etc I am reminding myself that he is worlds different now from when I started this blog.

I had a conversation on the phone with Riley tonight. He's staying at grandma's for a night. We chatted about what they were doing, about what he was eating for a snack. I think back to when phones upset him, he didn't understand what they were and he hated the way they sounded. And of course a time when he would have never been able to carry on that conversation.

He's just come so far. I'm so amazed by him every single day.